Coping with a miscarriage is an extremely traumatic experience that a couple has to go through. Time is the best medicine to help the couple, especially the mother, to recover from the loss and maintain a positive approach towards life.
Miscarriage is referred to the condition of spontaneous ending of the pregnancy. Signs of a miscarriage may show up due to many reasons and at any stage, before the 25th week of gestation. Early pregnancy miscarriage also occurs in certain medical conditions, infections, etc. One of every five couples, go through the devastating experience of a miscarriage. Coping with this situation is the toughest of all the challenges that the person has to face in life.
A miscarriage comes with loads of mixed emotions, like, sadness, guilt, fear, depression, etc. The woman who has experienced a spontaneous abortion, hates to meet other people, friends, relatives, do any work; even getting out of the bed gets impossible for her. A spontaneous abortion leads to physical weakness and a total emotional breakdown of the mother. Physical agony and pain maybe relieved with proper medication and help from the doctor, but coping emotionally is a tough task that a woman has to do on her own.
When a miscarriage occurs, it affects both the expecting mother, and the father equally. The most important thing to do is to feel the blend of all the mixed emotions. Denial of any emotion can work as a boomerang that can harm more than the sadness itself. Feel the sadness and agony very truly and honestly, it is the best way to get over the grief. This can be better understood with William Cowper’s quote – grief is itself a medicine.
Feel the Shock
An awful feeling, but shock, is the important initial part of the coping process. When the feeling of shock is over the situation of terrible grief arises. Grieving can help you heal your agony. I would like to mention here that do not try to hide your pain. You have lost a precious thing and you deserve to feel sad for it. Grief of different levels is experienced and expressed very differently by both the partners. Woman’s expression of grief can get louder than that of the man’s.
Though he is devastated, he hides his own pain and acts as if he is not hurt, which is in a way right as he has to make sure that his partner comes out of the initial stage of shock and grief as early as possible. Women on the other hand, can express their grief on a wide scale of emotions, most predominantly guilt and anger that is developed through the feeling of grief. All these feelings are very normal, obvious, and very important in the process of recovering from a miscarriage.
Support Each Other
Supporting each other firmly is the initial thing that should be done. Never let the miscarriage, strain the healthy relation that you have had before the incident. Instead of finding whose fault it was, just stay connected to each other’s emotions. Support each other and spend some time that is solely meant for the two of you. You can go for a movie, a calm walk, or plan a stress-relieving vacation to one of your favorite destinations. Staying close to each other, really proves helpful in coming out of this difficult phase of life.
Coping gets difficult when one has to deal with people other than your partner. People come to visit you and bring about the same story again and again, churning back the bad memories. Listening to the comments like “it was God’s wish”, “you can have another baby”, “you can always try again” will definitely sound insensitive.
Always remember, that the visitors and family members are trying to help you, despite the fact that they do not know how to deal with such a situation themselves. Make sure you convey your emotions to your loved ones the best as you can. Make sure you thank them all very politely for the support that they showed all along.
After the initial trauma, it is very important to try to get over it as soon as possible. Too much grieving may land you in depression. Though, dealing with this situation is extremely difficult, getting out of it can be made easier by doing small things which have been mentioned below:
Reading books about miscarriages is one of the greatest ways to get over the pain. These books will give you the correct scientific information that will inform you about the exact reason and the meaning of the term spontaneous abortion. Those of you who do not want to listen to the dry preaching of the doctors, can also browse some online books and miscarriage helplines.
Write It Down
Writing your whole experience right from the beginning is the excellent way to let out the grief. Both the partners should start keeping journals and show it to each other at a certain point of time. Reading each other’s experiences will prove helpful in overcoming the grief.
Art of Listening
As said earlier, your family members and friends will visit you and give some remarks that you might find totally insensitive at that moment. However, if you calm down and listen, you will realize that they are trying to help you out because they are concerned about your well-being and care for you. If their words sound a little harsh, then tell them politely, that you want to spend some time alone to recover from the situation.
After a certain point of time, when you are physically fine, keep yourself engaged in some work or the other. Make sure you are not idle for a single moment, as it will make you think about past incidents. Keep yourself engaged in any of your favorite hobby that will keep you busy and prevent bad memories from coming to your mind.
Find out the midwifery as well as pregnancy loss support groups in your area and join them; the forums and the communication programs will prove helpful in the process. Despite all efforts, if it’s still hard for you to alleviate your grief, think of getting professional miscarriage help from a counselor, who will help you come to terms with your feeling of loss.
There are things that we don’t want to happen, but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without, but have to let go. Coping with this great loss is hard for both you as well as your partner, but with the strong will, support, and love, you can definitely come out stronger. Take care!